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Joke of the Day

"Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00. Me: Can you take off the avocado? Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00."

"What do you call it when a guy pees into a bowl after sex? Split pee soup."

"Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting."

"Startling awake... is a good way to startle a wake"

"""Where do you see yourself in five years?"" In 2020."

"What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car? Dual air bags."

"Dove is supposedly 1/4 moisturizing cream, but this one seems like it's at least 80% bones and feathers."

"Have you guys heard about the pedophile terrorist? Just last week he exploded all over a kids face."

"Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles..."

"Why did the suicidal man cross the road? Because he wanted to play chicken."