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Joke of the Day

"Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number."

"Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen."

"Have you heard about the new Italian radial tires? When they go flat they go ""wop wop wop!"""

"I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those ""Eat right and exercise"" scams."

"I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences."

"Me: I think you might have schizophrenia Me: No I don't"

"""When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?"" ""Because I couldn't find a fake car."""

"The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Nun Impersonators"

"I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed"

"What is the lifespan of an owl? 6 1/2 books."