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Joke of the Day

"If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face... If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother"

"Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome? Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker."

"fooling around I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, ""Wait a minute..."""

"Q: What do pelicans eat? A: Anything that fits the bill."

"5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies."

"Obviously you don't think you're ignorant! That's the meaning of ignorance!"

"The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar."

"You know what I don't get? Jobs."

"My girlfriend says I can't visualise things I can't imagine why."

"Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing."