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Joke of the Day

"HER: I love sweater weather ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It's that time of year again already?!"

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the S'mores of Pop-Tarts, it was the Unfrosted Strawberry of Pop-Tarts."

"How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A buccaneer!"

"Cooking two tortillas at the same time like some kind of Mexican DJ."

"Maybe ghosts ARE real and you never see them on paranormal investigation shows because they're too put off by leather statement jewelry."

"The sun is in so many movies.. It's like one giant star!"

"""Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?"" ""It will definitely feel longer. """

"Q: How do you catch a red elephant? A: With a red elephant trap."

"Saw two elementary students get in a fistfight so as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance"

"[sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye"