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Joke of the Day

"Me: Hi. I can't take your call right now but please leave a message. CW: I'm standing right in front of yo... Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

"My wife is divorcing me, apparently she is sick of all my flower puns... I asked her ""Where's this stemming from petal?"""

"*first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!"

"If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers."

"Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory? Because he went crackers."

"What do you call a vegetarian with bad gas? A leaf blower"

"Light a man a fire... Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man afire and he'll be warm the rest of his life. (I know it's a repost, but I've never seen the play on words, shame)"

"Why do potheads only steal from other potheads? Otherwise there's nothing worth toking."

"What do you call children born into a whorehouse? Your kids"

"Are jokes about Islam funny? Absolutely, they're a blast."