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Joke of the Day

"I'm glad the pet stores close before the bar does. I could see drunken pet adoption being a real problem for me."

"I had a funny dream last night Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake but when I woke up I found I was asleep."

"If the sign says ""don't feed the fishes"" then what can you feed fishes anyway? Nothing. Weren't you listening?"

"Nicholson: You want answers?! Cruise: I want the truth!! Nicholson: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Cruise: mmk... how bout a little hint?"

"Did you hear about Divorced Barbie? It comes with all of Ken's stuff. stolen from /u/LazzzyButtons"

"Anyone have a good recipe for ice cubes?"

"What did the Mother say to her son when she saw him eating cookies for breakfast? Your Dad and I are getting a divorce."

"""What you just said reminds me of something completely different I want to talk about."" - Everyone"

"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."

"what's the difference between a normal consumer and a prostitute? A normal consumer aims to get the most bang for their buck. A prostitute aims to get the most buck for their bang."