195320

Joke of the Day

"Just been reading Delia Smith's recipe for scrambled eggs... Apparently ""they should be soft and fluffy."" No you daft bitch that means they've hatched."

"GENIE: you have three wishes ME: make math go away GENIE: ha ok that one's on the house ME: oh so I still get three wishes? GENIE: huh?"

"In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I'm fine now."

"The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is."

"How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Patty"

"Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency... May his global impact be as tiny as his hands"

"Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs."

"What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common? NEED MORE GAINS"

"What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want to - it can't here you!"

"my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin"