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Joke of the Day

"Mommy, they call me nymphomaniac at school... -Don't worry Lissa, it's just kid's stuff. Now you go to sleep before dark, or the Boogeyman will come at eat you. -Yeah! He should come and eat my pussy!"

"What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other? I didn't know we lived on the same block."

"Technically there is a lot of food in this house but none it is sweet or microwaveable therefore there is no food in the house."

"[to snake at news station] you can't do weather anymore ""ssswhy not?"" are we getting rain tomorrow? ""sssno"" do you see how that's confusing?"

"I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. ""Making breakfast. ;)"" ""Walking the dog. ;)"" ""Broke in to your house ;)"""

"Today was a sad day - we had to pull the plug on my granpa cause I needed the outlet for my laptop"

"""I donno. America's Got Ghosts?"" -- someone in charge of a channel I probably pay $10 a year for and never watch."

"Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday."

"What do you call a man that as sex with his 9 year old wife? The holiest Prophet of Islam."

"I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back."