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Joke of the Day

"My wife has just given birth for the first time.... I don't know who I feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own."

"[movie theater] *reaches into wife's purse* *pulls out lasagna* me: Told you it'd work"

"Who build King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference"

"If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?"

"Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?"

"Catch Pokemon? No thanks. I'm STD- Free."

"I don't care if you're here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house."

"Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I'M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL * hangs up land-line *"

"Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches."

"What does a cow measure its harddrive in? Moogabytes"