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Joke of the Day

"*gets email* -Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?- *responds* ""Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?"""

"Why is it a bad idea to run behind a car? You'll get exhausted"

"Our cats aren't enjoying the 90-degree heat. But I refuse to apologize for climate change until they apologize for pissing on the carpet."

"I'm so sick of this debate. Of COURSE, the chicken came first! Are you saying I don't know how to properly fuck a chicken?"

"I'm not racist because racism is a crime... And crimes are for black people."

"What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture."

"*playing poker* *my opponent smirks* ""All in."" he says. *pair of aces* *I smile* *throws down a pair of Olsen twins* ""Full House."""

"The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part."

"I'm leaving reddit"

"A horse walks into a bar... And being a horse, and incapable of speech, he poops on the floor and walks out."