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Joke of the Day

"Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth."

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"Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No Bell Prize."
"5 out of 6 scientists feel Russian Roulette is safe"
"Why did.. Q : Why did Manchester United go to Stamford Bridge? A : Four Nothing"
"A guy shows up late for work Off to work A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. Why? What happened at 8.30?'"
"Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo? for meatier showers."
"When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark 15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then Me: ........."
"People always ask what's the best sport to watch at home. It's obviously volleyball because I can't whip my dick out in the stands."
"""DADDY!?!"" (toddler calling out) Me: ""Daddy's upstairs but can I help you with something?"" ""Yes. You can go get Daddy."""
"What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber"