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Joke of the Day

"A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone... it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left."

"What do The Walking Dead and Fast & Furious have in common? dead walkers"

"[accidentally calls teacher ""mom""] MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something. ME: what's for dinner tonight BRAIN: what"

"That which does not kill me has been everything so far."

"ME: forgive me father for I have sinned PRIEST: nothing that can't be forgiven my son ME: I microwave my pop tarts PRIEST: u sick son of a"

"Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren't ""so blessed""."

"Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead"

"The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020. That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III."

"When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head."

"In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army."