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Joke of the Day

"I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I'm going with that story."

"Dear algebra, Stop telling us to find your x, she's never coming back. Don't ask y. Sincerely, PB1541"

"I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine. It just didn't make cents."

"Stevie Wonder Have you seen Stevie Wonders wife & kids lately? - No? Neither has he"

"My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: ""You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates""..... whatever!!"

"Success is just like being pregnant."

"Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son. ""Sir this is Urban Outfitters"" Do you have any 'baes'? ""Please leave"""

"""YOUR 15"" is trending worldwide instead of ""YOU'RE 15"" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet."

"What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering."

"What's the difference between your momma and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck, and I forget the rest of the joke but your mother's a whore."