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Joke of the Day

"RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all."

"Meow meow meow [Wife comes home early] MEOW! *cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack* THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU"

"[at job interview] It says here that you are very hands on. Yes, sir, I am. Can you give me an example of this? *gently caresses his face*"

"This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends."

"Wondering what atrocity I committed in a former life to deserve this shitty parking space."

"I do not have bad attitude... I have a low tolerance for bullsh1t."

"What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo."

"Just seen a Disney trailer. I've just seen a Disney trailer It said, ""A new movie from the people that brought you Up."" Flipping Heck! I never knew Mum and Dad made films."

"Three blondes walk into a bar You would think at least one of them would have seen it."

"My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from Vietnam."