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Joke of the Day

"[at job interview] It says here that you are very hands on. Yes, sir, I am. Can you give me an example of this? *gently caresses his face*"

"George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary! His voting machines didn't really give me a choice."

"Why did Siegfried and Roy close their bakery? A batch of Tiger bread turned on them."

"A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, 'i would like to see a bikini that fits me' Clerk...'me too'"

"Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out ""DEAR GOD MY BACK!"""

"Hold.. Hold.. Hold.. CHARGE!!!!! -Ice at the bottom of a glass"

"Pros and Cons of Easter Pro: Eating a chocolate bunny that's hollow inside. Con: Looking in the mirror and realising you're the same."

"What did the West African boy eat for breakfast? Ebola oatmeal..."

"The NSA The only part of the government that actually listens"

"My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool"