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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""You didn't tell me that."" Them: ""Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone."" Me (looks up): ""I'm sorry, what?"""

"Hello police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well in that case please send over a pastrami sandwich!"

"What do you call a teeth specialist who writes books? An author-dontist Wahey!"

"A guy told me he didn't have a penis I doubt he gets cocky often."

"So Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle is being investigated for child pornography I guess he really did want to ""eat fresh"""

"No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come."

"Quit calling me to the front of the store to claim my lost child! Drop her in the lost & found and I'll get her when I'm ready."

"I didn't vote for Trump, but at least Now I get to find out how He's going to Build That Wall and make Mexico pay for it."

"Did you hear about the drug that cures lesbianism? It's called TrisedixagenTM And for men, try IgnordacocTM"

"I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person"