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Joke of the Day

"My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......"

"[wife walks in on me showering] ""Why are you wearing swim trunks?"" No reason. [she glares at me] SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON'T COME OFF OKAY"

"I'm gonna have an Avengers themed birthday party But don't tell anyone, I'm trying to keep it Loki."

"Love is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed."

"Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen."

"I lost my watch at a party once... I saw this guy stepping on it while sexually assaulting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him right in the nose. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch."

"NSFW - Two dildos are in a drawer... One of them sighs. So the other asks, ""Soft day at work?"""

"One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on."

"People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio"

"Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you're nuts."