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Joke of the Day

"""This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu"" -me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down"

"I invited a girl to a disappointing sex club last night. She didn't come."

"Guess which city got the best black Friday deals? Ferguson, it was a steal."

"I don't do cocaine I just like the smell"

"If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son"

"Someone needs to open a bar called ""The Gym"". Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I'm always at the gym."

"""We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes"" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan"

"funny Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: It's too far to walk."

"Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We've been lookin for you since Monday!"

"You know what really grinds my gears? People who can't drive manual."