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Joke of the Day

"An old joke which could use a new punchline. What time is it? Time for you to get a new ________ (not watch)"

"Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS."

"I like my coffee like I make my women. Hot, and bitter."

"Let's make this house party... a *home* party."

"People who get offended when I breast feed publicly can fuck off What I'm doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog"

"I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort."

"What's wrong with a chameleon that can't change colors? He has a reptile dysfunction."

"At what time does Sean Connery arrive at The Wimbledon? Tenish..."

"One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday eight hours."

"What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j"