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Joke of the Day

"This tweet has been downloaded to your system and is now scanning your hard drive for copyrighted material. Stand by. SCANNING - 23%"

"How can you tell someone's a navy seal? they'll tell you in their novel."

"Did you hear about the prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip? She wanted to make a little money on the side."

"Q: What's red and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket."

"Why did Kelly fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock Knock? Who's there? ....Not Kelly."

"I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season"

"During labour, nurse came up to me & said, 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?' I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name."

"[using ouija board] R2...L2....L1....R2...LEFT...DOWN... ""what the hell?"" [everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]"

"""Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time"" linguists, supposably"

"Newton's Third Law of Emotion For every male action, there is a female overreaction"