190712

Joke of the Day

"[Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body"

"the Grinch was a religious minority w/ legitimate issues of systematic injustice & economic discrimination & the movie about him is bigotry"

"There's no such thing as premature ejaculation, the truth is that women arrive late everywhere!"

"Roll call comes for a Mexican bus trip They always seem to be late from missing juan"

"Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit."

"An American bartender, an African bartender and an Asian bartender walk into a bar. And they start working right away. Damn, what a busy night.(:"

"Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children."

"Not afraid of death anymore because I just woke up from a nap I didn't even know I was having."

"I don't care what your bio says. You retweet me, it's not only an endorsement, it represents the views of your employer."

"Why did the Kremlin sacrifice 8.7 million soldiers during WWII? They were just Stalin for time."