190625

Joke of the Day

"Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid."

"which is the most negative animal in the barnyard? the horse, because its a naysayer."

"Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision"

"Why does it take *two* premenstrual women to change a light bulb? #BECAUSE!!"

"[wife calls] did you write ""make all the traps from home alone"" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] ""no"""

"What kind of buildings do terrorists have on their farms? Allahu akbarns (I'm going to hell)"

"What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans? The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails."

"""Pistorius"" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would use to make someone's legs disappear That's a Frankie Boyle joke"

"Kayne West gets arrested Officer: ""Okay, Kanye you get one phone call."" **Kanye Dials Phone number** **Officer answers** Officer: Hello? Kanye: Put Kanye on the phone."

"I'm in a band called 1023 megabytes... We haven't had a gig yet"