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Joke of the Day

"[Lab] Co-worker: ""Where's all the microscope oil and acetic acid?"" Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno."

"What kind of chocolate swims in the ocean? scubGodivas."

"GOD: Peter, you will be heaven's bouncer ST PETER: What the hell, I don't want ST BERNARD (whispering): Shut up or he'll make you a dog"

"Happy Teacher's day, Wikipedia."

"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? 'Cause he wanted to git a long, little doggie."

"It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right?"

"Don't you hate it when you meet a hot girl who says she's ""bi""... ...then the next morning you realize she meant ""polar""."

"People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?"

"What do you call an egg that cures cancer? A keurig. Joke written by my 9 year old son."

"My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. ""Where are you?"" she moaned. ""I'm at the pub."" I replied. She said, ""I think the baby's coming!"" I said, ""Well, he won't get in. He's underage."""