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Joke of the Day

"I just finished deadlifting 1000 pounds off the ground. For you Americans, that's 1275 dollars. It's my most expensive lift to date."

"I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs...But I totally trust a dog when it doesn't like a person."

"when it snows are snowmen ever like holy shit it's my flesh"

"My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person. So I can get a better girlfriend."

"What kind of sick fuck figured out that you can make a cake out of carrots?"

"If I had $1 every time somebody called me a racist... Black people would rob me!"

"If ANY part of my body touches the shower liner, I call in sick to work."

"What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEYE"

"*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*"

"If you bury someone in the wrong place then you have made a grave mistake."