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Joke of the Day

"What kind of sick fuck figured out that you can make a cake out of carrots?"

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"I'm wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend."

"WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could've used the word 'bloodthirsty' a little less"

"finally found a way to refer to myself + dog in a way that's creepier than the mother/child dichotomy: FUR HUSBAND and SKIN WIFE"

"I like my women like quality agronomy soil... ..good penetration to 8"", bare surface, and minimal crust."

"Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that's ever served me. With just the tip."

"My sex life is like a Ferrari I don't have one :("

"A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles. It was about bloody time."

"Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory? All he did was take a day off."