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Joke of the Day

"[First date] Her: i'm a criminal lawyer, what do you do? Me: really, well it just so happens that I... (trying to impress her) ...am a criminal"

"Open an ice cream shop with flavors like ""don't be sad,"" ""they're not worth it,"" ""you deserve better"" and see if people don't flock right in"

"Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house? They have to use their Endor voices."

"Know why the number of rape cases is rising? Cause they keep saying "" NO! ""."

"A Lima bean and a kidney bean walk into a bar. The kidney bean shouts, ""Hey! I'm a bean!"" Then the lima bean replied, ""NO! Lima bean!"""

"What should you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?? Slow down and maybe use some lube..."

"A man walks into a bar..... ""ouch"""

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

"Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? No? Be careful, there's a small medium at large."

"I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled."