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Joke of the Day

"[interview at the Pringles factory] BOSS: why do you wanna work here? TENNIS BALL: {don't say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips"

"The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them"

"I'm already an idiot, I just need a village"

"Doctor doctor I can't concentrate one minute I'm ok and the next minute I'm blank! And how long have you had this complaint? What complaint?"

"How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down."

"Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?"

"Thank god I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 500 times a day."

"I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."

"What do you call 7 Irish guys singing ""White Christmas?"" Racist."

"Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: I just wanted to see you. [4:07 am]"