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Joke of the Day

"ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again."

"I only date Chinese women... They are used to seeing tons of red flags"

"What tastes great on pie but bad on pussy? Crust"

"she says she want a bad boy so i unplug the usb w/o ejecting it"

"My grandfather came back from the war... ...with a single arm. To this day, we still have no idea whose it is"

"[i wake up confused] KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are! ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom KIDNAPPER: shit"

"[me, in a sting operation] Can I buy your best stuff? DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff? *talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?"

"The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, ""I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."" ""Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."""

"How much does a rabbi charge for a circumcision? Nothing, he just keeps the tips."

"*knocks on bathroom stall wall* Forgive me father, for I have sinned. ""Huh? What?"" It's been 3 days since my last- [sound of diarrhea]"