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Joke of the Day

"Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, ""Oh no, I've lost an electron."" The other asks, ""Are you sure?"" ""Yeah, I'm positive!"""

"I don't lie. I have, however, invented my own language which uses a lot of the same words as English but with somewhat altered meanings."

"Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations."

"How do you know when there's a lead singer at the door? The knocking is all out of rhythm, they can't find the key, and they never know when to come in!"

"why do we only eat some of the animals I'm looking at you manatees keep being fat your day will come"

"I didn't get groped by the TSA at all. We just kissed a little, it was nice."

"ok sir guacamole is gonna be an extra $1.80 plus the rights to sacrifice your soul to the dark lord satan thank u for choosing chipotle"

"My friend is addicted to interventions and I don't know how to help him."

"[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave? I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection."

"What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch? An ingestigation"