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Joke of the Day

"Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening."

"[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what'd i do last night? [sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea"

"Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he's shrunk"

"What are the consequences of smoking weed? The reefercussions"

"When 2016 has to kill one more thing Mariah Carey's career"

"Who do you call if Everlast is having a heart attack? Eminem."

"How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem."

"The guy who played Wolverine had a pet sea cow and it was stolen... It was a crime against Hugh's manatee!"

"The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish."

"In the Bible it was Adam and Eve Not Adam and Steve"