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Joke of the Day

"Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911"

"I wanted to tell a science joke. But I figured it'd be too quarky."

"Cigarettes are like hamsters Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire"

"What's the difference between a girl scout and a Jew? Girl scouts come home from camp"

"I'm not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I've won and the number that I actually own."

"Why shouldn't you use red, white, and blue paint in a watercolor? Because these colors don't run"

"Eating With The Shakes If a person with Parkinson's is eating a brownie, Is it ""Brownie in motion""?"

"""Update Adobe or we'll kill you""-flash mob"

"Everyone please stop saying that today's date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that's how time works."

"How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!"