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Joke of the Day

"I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order."

"Small kid : Mom what happens when you die? Mom : Your soul will go to heaven. Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?"

"I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman."

"The new Exorcist movie plot: Family hires the devil to get a priest out of her son!"

"My friend got hit with a soda can Don't worry, it was a *soft* drink! "

"""Don't kid yourself."" - birth control"

"A bird can fly... But a fly can't bird."

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you."

"Why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins? Because the only constant is change."

"Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he's already fought vampires once this year."