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Joke of the Day

"JUDGE: So to be clear, you're pleading not guilty to stealing the child's shoes? ME: [heelies up to the mic] That's correct"

"How did the blond chip her tooth? With her vibrator"

"Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean? It was plane to sea."

"Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver"

"Procrastinators Unite! Tomorrow"

"How do people want Trump right now? [removed]"

"Why is sleeping with a weatherman always disappointing? Because he always promises 10-12 inches, but you only ever get 2-3."

"PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks."

"What's the difference between a joke and 100 dicks in your ass? You can't take a joke."

"Did you hear about the fat chick I fucked on the elevator? It was wrong on so many levels."