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Joke of the Day

"My brain made a vote today Seven against five decided that we did not have dissociative personality disorder. EDIT: so many edits, is it alright now?"

"Whats E.T short for? Because he's got little legs."

"What, like you never stole 2000 loaves of bread on a dare? Shit happens. Look, Grandma, can you bail me out or not?"

"If Africa had more mosquito nets... ...we'd save millions of mosquitos from dying of Aids each year"

"Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!"

"I once had a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing."

"100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move."

"In retrospect, replying ""Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory"", probably wasn't the best way to respond to my therapist."

"What did fettuccine say to rigatoni? Que pasta?"

"every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day but every year you pass your death day and have no clue"