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Joke of the Day

"100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move."

"Did you hear about angle 57.29 He's rad"

"Why does my abusive mother hate vegetables? Beats me."

"An Irishman walks out of a bar"

"The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you're wondering why she's typed everything' in capitals,it's to emphasize the point."

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Feminists don't change anything"

"Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning."

"Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? He uses the finest ingredients."

"How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you see later, and the other you see in a while."

"I can't believe I have to recharge my stupid phone every night or it shuts down *sleeps for 8 hours every night*"