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Joke of the Day

"Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl."

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"USA has Democracy, Syria has Autocracy, Iran has Theocracy, and Britain has... Pedocracy."
"Why can't you hang out with bears? Their bad breath is un-bear-able."
"Guy in the dressing room next to mine: ""I don't want to get blood on these pants."" I want to reply, ""Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"""
"What did the sexual predator chicken say about the donkey? I don't think it'll fit in that ass."
"What do you call oral sex with your GF when she's menstruating? 6.9"
"A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside."
"[Fitbit commercial with me] BEFORE: lazy guy AFTER: lazy guy who had $129"
"The best part about being ugly? You don't have to change your profile picture for Halloween."
"OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines."