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Joke of the Day

"Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl."

"USA has Democracy, Syria has Autocracy, Iran has Theocracy, and Britain has... Pedocracy."

"Why can't you hang out with bears? Their bad breath is un-bear-able."

"Guy in the dressing room next to mine: ""I don't want to get blood on these pants."" I want to reply, ""Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"""

"What did the sexual predator chicken say about the donkey? I don't think it'll fit in that ass."

"What do you call oral sex with your GF when she's menstruating? 6.9"

"A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside."

"[Fitbit commercial with me] BEFORE: lazy guy AFTER: lazy guy who had $129"

"The best part about being ugly? You don't have to change your profile picture for Halloween."

"OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines."