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Joke of the Day

"Friends are like boobs. You've got small ones, big ones, real ones, and fake ones."

"[hitting a beach ball back and forth with son] *accidentally hits it over his head and into an outdoor concert* ""don't bother son, its gone"""

"What do zombies with dyslexia eat? Brians."

"How do you tell the difference between a terrorist and a tenured professor? You can negotiate with a terrorist."

"In Connecticut it is illegal... To hang a man with a wooden leg. You have to use a rope just like everywhere else"

"Why did the witch get a car with manual transmission? Because she prefers to drive stick!"

"What do you do to an Elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the Rhino."

"My daughter may only be one year old today, but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth grade level."

"With gay marriage being legal now does that mean we don't have to call them butt buddies anymore? Good because that was a pain in the ass."

"said to my wife... I can make a car out of noodles. NO YOU CAN'T she said. ...should've seen her face when I drove pasta."