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Joke of the Day

"People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago."

"Just because I can't spell Armygeddan..... Doesn't mean its the end of the world...."

"A woman's legs are a lot like peanut butter It's much easier to get them to spread if you have a knife"

"What's the difference between a crackhead and a John? A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him."

"I'm off to buy a 3-D printer. Which I'll use to make another 3-D printer. Then return the first one."

"[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago] ""Useless piece of shit."""

"If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder."

"I'm shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends."

"Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus."

"What does mosquito say when its parents die? shhhhhh.....it !!"