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Joke of the Day

"Dad: ""A little bird told me you are doing drugs"" Son: ""You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"""

"There are three types of people... Those who can count, and those who can't."

"I got banned from B&Q in Glasgow today Some cunt came up to me in an orange apron and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in."

"I didn't sleep a wink last night because my neighbor was screaming her head off. I think she doesn't like my basement."

"For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea."

"How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male; if she answers it's female."

"What word starts with F, ends with UCK, and people look for it when things get too hot... A Fuck. The word is ""fuck""... honestly, I lead you right to it"

"How does NASA organize their Christmas party? They planet"

"How do you think the unthinkable? with an itheberg."

"Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016"