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Joke of the Day

"Im the guy that says ""Is he bothering you?"" when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away."

"Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate? He couldn't take any more lip!"

"""Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!""- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear"

"Would you like some salt? Na."

"How do you fit an elephant in a teacup? You take the f out of way. ~~say it out loud if you don't get it~~"

"Facebook needs an ""I've already seen this on Twitter"" button."

"Did you hear they found bones on the dark side of the moon? The cow never made it."

"Nothing says authentic Chinese food like a neon ""We Delivery"" sign."

"Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over"

"What's the difference between a fish market and Nicki Minaj? One has halibut and one has hella butt."