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Joke of the Day

"What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common? Someone's losing a trailer."

"What's the difference between me and a calendar? You can't fuck the shit out of a calendar"

"What's the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm."

"If I ever go to prison, I know exactly what I'm going to nickname myself... Mitochondria! That way everyone will know I'm the powerhouse of the cell."

"Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat"

"Mothers, out of the 300 guys you're friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby."

"I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write ""Actually, Vanessa, YOU'RE the one who's being 'dramatic'."""

"You haven't Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me."

"Every Political Ad Ever: I'm a rich guy who's not like the other rich guy he's a total douche. *Paid for by my rich guy friends*"

"I'm always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole."