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Joke of the Day

"I tried finding work as a Saudi executioner... ...but I couldn't get ahead."

"Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men."

"What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick? You should know more than your dog."

"I don't like to brag about my cat-like reflexes. That said, could someone please call for help? I got startled and am stuck in a tree."

"Which is the only insect that needs to wear shoes? Mosqui-toes."

"What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef."

"Why does santa have such a large sack? Because he only comes once a year"

"Knock Knock ""Who's there?"" ""Dunno, but i do know its not Michael Brown"""

"Her: when you said ""magical in bed"" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit"

"What do you call a make-believe country for wizards? A magi nation"