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Joke of the Day

"[at dinner] Wife: This is terrible. Me: Horrible. Waiter: Hey folks, how's your food? (simultaneously) Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!"

"I an expert on everything as long as I have google within reach and I don't like you enough to want to prove you wrong."

"What does sex have in common with a savings account? You lose interest once you make a withdrawal."

"Trump would be an amazing dentist He is against anything that's not white and straight."

"Knock knock. Who's there? Owls go. Owls go who?"

"Why does Superman have to wait until tomorrow to fight gang violence in LA? He can't face the Crips tonight."

"*smels vinyl record* The Continents r ok but they wer way beter befor they split up. do u kno the supergroup Pangaea? its from befor ur time"

"LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie"

"I'm an adrenaline junkie and an agoraphobic. I talked to the mailman through the door once, that was a rush delivered. Edit: delivered."

"Time to diet. Went to the neighborhood pool today and all the women dressed me with their eyes..."