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Joke of the Day

"[at my grandmas house] MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey"

"""Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"" *Hitler rubs chin* So mine less [Grammar Nazi busts in] ""MINE FEWER"" [Hitler looks up] Yes?"

"So Mickie Mouse says to Minnie, ""I want a divorce... To which Minnie replies, ""Are you fucking crazy!?"" Mickie says ""No, I'm fucking Daisy"""

"What do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence."

"CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir"

"Scientists have discovered... That left handed people are significantly more likely to finish exams than people with no hands."

"Why do tampons have strings? So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea."

"Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I'm eating right now is on point nom nom nom!"

"Putin Sends New Year's Message of Peace To Obama Inside a pipe bomb."

"Fat chances are my favorite chances"