182884

Joke of the Day

"""1. Roll around in bed for a few hours. 2. Get kind of dressed. 3. DON'T EAT!"" - to do list for American Apparel models"

"[At work] ""guys check this out"" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] ""Holy shit help"""

"A Freudian slip? That's where you think one thing but fuck your mother."

"My uncle went on holiday to Ireland, but didn't have enough time to go to Clare. He really wanted to see Moher"

"Why did the tomato blush red? Because it saw salad dressing! :D Just like I saw your mom dressing Cause she's a skank Come at me, Reddit. Come at me"

"What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job fucking sucks"

"you miss 100% of shots you don't take"

"""Oh, hey! I didn't even recognize you!"" means ""I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are."""

"If you hold the door open for me when I'm more than ten feet away, you aren't doing me a favor. You're making me exercise."

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!"