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Joke of the Day

"I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous."

"What do you call it when a Republican Presidential Candidate throws a hissy fit when he doesn't get what he wants? A Tantrump."

"How do you know if an Asian person has robbed your house? When you come home, your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway."

"I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their shit."

"Why did Hitler called it ethnic cleansing? He showered them."

"What do you call a guy who works out regularly? Jim."

"Him: You're pretty obnoxious. You know that? Me: I'm sorry. All I heard was pretty."

"Twitter should give you rollover characters from your short tweets."

"I wrote a book about my car It was an auto-biography"

"Of all the possible utensils you can use to eat rice... ...how the fuck did two sticks win?"