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Joke of the Day

"Oh we're halfway there Oh oh running from a bear I pushed you down Accidentally I swear Oh oh eaten by a bear You were eaten by a bear"

"[Exchanging gifts at family's house] *family opens up my gifts -uh, a history book? Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it."

"Men: Don't lie to your woman, she'll catch you. Don't tell her the truth, she'll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head."

"What was the best thing Kurt Cobain ever released? The safety."

"What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin? A Hemogoblin"

"Pauly D from Jersey Shore was at the Dance party where Chuck Norris invented the Electric Slide. His hair is now permanently stuck in a blowout position."

"Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!"

"Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn?"

"If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say ""Friend, you're wearing sweatpants."" They might not know."

"i've always struggled spelling out ""blood"" with my fingers because it always comes out looking like ""bbool"""