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Joke of the Day

"[Exchanging gifts at family's house] *family opens up my gifts -uh, a history book? Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it."

"What's a philosopher's favorite toy? Play-doh."

"Well well well. If it isn't old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year."

"Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you're not required to keep it forever, like they can't arrest you if u throw it out."

"Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission."

"What did the scientist say when he stubbed his toe? Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium."

"Why do you forget a tooth as soon as the dentist pulls it out? Because it goes right out of your head."

"Hello, I'm a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out."

"What's the difference between Trump and my mom. Putin doesn't have pictures of my mom fucking a 12 year old Russian boy."

"I like my horses like I like this kind of joke. Beaten to fucking death. Jesus, come up with something better please."