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Joke of the Day

"Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can't be leaving DNA all over the place."

"My grandfather drowned in varnish recently. A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish."

"*sees a cat yawning* How the hell can you be tired?"

"I used to be addicted to soap... i am clean now"

"How do philosophers shave off their beards? Occam's razor"

"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it."

"My superpower is acting like I'm trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it."

"Dear future self, No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this. Sincerely, You, you dumb slob."

"Hello sir. Your toddler called me a 'stinky poopyhead' at the store. I've spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I'd like to own him now."

"I'm not a god. I'm a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way. There's a difference."