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Joke of the Day

"Dear future self, No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this. Sincerely, You, you dumb slob."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the ""P"" is silent."

"Put your family down and pay attention to your phone."

"Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go."

"A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... ""I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."""

"What's the shortest joke you know/can come up with? Here's mine: Women are more holy than men."

"The table salt tore a ligament. It was an ACL."

"How many minutes after someone's fired is it cool to take their stapler?"

"Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion! Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!"

"I lost my party bot 2000 I'm sure it'll turn up though"